Living as a Student with PMDD & ADHD (Part 1/2)

You've been through a tough period. Can you tell me more about it?

During my first year at university, I was seriously ill for an extended period. Despite facing a challenging year, I did manage to pass all my courses. I received many compliments like 'you pulled it off!' But it didn't feel that way to me. I felt like I had barely crossed the finish line, stumbling over it and falling to my knees just beyond.

After the retakes, I hadn't had time to recover, so the second academic year started off very poorly as well. I had actually written this in my phone's notes: 'I already feel terrible, and if things continue like this, I'll drown and won't resurface.' And it just kept getting worse and worse from there.

"If things continue like this, I'll drown and won't resurface."

In addition to all of that, my boyfriend and I broke up during that time. I had initially given myself a week to stay in bed and just cry. But I never managed to get out of it. I just kept sinking deeper and deeper.

When did you start making the connection with your menstrual cy

In the meantime, I had heard about your project, but honestly, I was trying to avoid it as much as possible. At first, I was really against the idea that my menstrual cycle could be a cause. I thought it was ridiculous. I expected there to be a bigger cause... A little bit of hormones, having your period... You immediately get labeled as dramatic, even in your own mind.

"It's good to know where it's coming from now."

But it's so much more than that! There's something much more intense tied to it than just being a bit dramatic. It's good to know where it's coming from now. Actually, it doesn't matter exactly what that cause is. The result is that I feel really awful during those times. In the beginning, it was really hard for me to accept. Now that I've made that connection with my menstrual cycle, I can understand it much better.

PMDD comes back every month, how do you deal with it?

I struggled a lot with that last year. One moment things were fine, the next, they were completely not. I didn't understand how that could happen. I was trying so hard to feel better, but it just wasn't working.

"It's so frustrating that it comes back every month."

And that's the only thing I can think about when it comes to my periods right now: 'In a month, I'll be back in this situation! It's happening again in a month.'

When I realized it was linked to my menstrual cycle, I was really hopeful. For instance, I tried to adjust my study schedule during exams to match my cycle. I had studied well in advance for the exam that fell during my difficult weeks, but my period arrived earlier, completely throwing off my plans. I had been feeling terrible for days, and I thought, 'Why do I feel so bad already?'

My app indicated that I had another 5 days before my period was due. I thought, 'How am I going to handle this? I won't be able to.' At that point, I lost all hope and motivation. All the preparation I had done seemed to be in vain. That evening, I went to the bathroom and got my period. At moments like that, I can truly cry tears of happiness.

How do you feel exactly during your PMDD days?

During my tough weeks, everything becomes so much more difficult. At that time, I also don't want to be around people. Friends would say, 'If things are bad, just reach out to me!' It's nice to know that people are there for me, but in those moments, I don't feel the need for it. I just want to be alone.

Everything becomes incredibly exhausting. I can't do even basic things like going to the store. The things I usually enjoy are just not enjoyable. I don't get any satisfaction from them. I don't want to. I'm just not in the mood.

Deep down, you know that it will probably get better once you get your period, but it doesn't feel that way. The intense emotions at that moment overwhelm everything.

"The intense emotions at that moment override everything."

You can try different things to prepare for your bad days, but when those days actually come, it feels all-consuming. The overarching thought I always have when things get that bad is, 'Life isn't worth it.'

I am afraid of the moment when I genuinely won't be able to handle it anymore. When it's just too intense. Right now, things are generally going well, and I have some buffer for those tough times. But what if I have to go through such a period without that buffer? That's quite frightening.

"I am afraid of the moment when I genuinely won't be able to handle it anymore."

To get through such a tough period, I would simply sleep for days on end. It's a way to not have to live but also not have to die. It's just sleeping. When I woke up, I wanted to go back to sleep immediately. You're not yourself; you're somewhere else. In those moments, you understand why people take pills to end it. I get that. I just wanted to escape. I wanted to disappear.

The only thing I can tell myself at that point that helps a bit is, 'In 2 or 3 days, it will be gone. I know it doesn't feel like that, and you don't believe it right now, but it's true.' That's something that keeps you afloat.

Do you also experience PMDD symptoms during your ovulation?

During my previous cycle, I experienced it really intensely. Someone said something in the kitchen at my place. Those kinds of things are often said, but that time, I completely crashed in my room. I spent the whole evening crying my eyes out. That was the night of my ovulation.

"I couldn't sleep because I just kept breaking down in tears constantly."

It was truly overwhelming. I felt like I had never experienced such intense emotions during my ovulation before. That was one thing that triggered me completely. And it may sound silly, but it wasn't actually that dramatic. I just started crying uncontrollably, and suddenly everything seemed like a disaster. I couldn't sleep because I kept breaking down in tears over and over again. I don't experience that so often, but at that moment, it seemed worse than before my period.

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Read here part 2 of her story!