Testimony: This is PMDD

"What does PMDD look like for you?"

You feel like a completely different person for half of your life. The most challenging aspect, for me, is getting anything done during my worst days. I struggle to perform well at work, I find it difficult to take care of household tasks, I snap at my children, I snap at my husband... Things that don't bother me at all during my good weeks suddenly feel like the end of the world during my bad weeks.

The most difficult aspect, in my opinion, is to achieve anything on my most challenging days.

I established the connection with my menstrual cycle when I acquired a Fitbit, and that was 5 years ago. A Fitbit continuously tracks your heart rate. On the days when I experienced discomfort, my heart rate would surge. However, once my period arrived, my heart rate would return to normal. It was the first time in my life that I recognized the correlation between my physical well-being and the state of my mental health.

On the days when I felt bad, my heart rate would skyrocket.

I have a menstrual cycle of 25 days, and my worst day falls on day 19. When my menstruation begins, I start feeling a bit better. The irritability, anxiety, and paranoia diminish. However, I still experience emotional sensitivity.

But here's the peculiar thing about PMDD... It always improves. So, even though you go through that extremely difficult phase, eventually it subsides, and you start questioning, "Was it really that severe? It probably wasn't a big deal. Everything is fine." And then, two weeks later... BAM! It happens all over again. And you find yourself thinking, "This will never get better."

"What has been your personal experience with contraception?"

I took the pill for a long time when I was a young girl, but it turned out to be a terrible experience. It made me depressed, and I would fall asleep crying every night. It caused constant arguments and brought immense misery into my life. I can't fathom how I managed to complete my studies during that time.

However, when I decided to stop taking the pill and switched to using a vaginal ring, things started to change for the better. Suddenly, life felt meaningful again. I continued using the vaginal ring until I became pregnant with my first child. During my pregnancy and breastfeeding period, I didn't experience any negative effects. Those years were the most beautiful and fulfilling of my life. I was incredibly happy and lived in a state of bliss.

However, when I decided to stop taking the pill and switched to using a vaginal ring, things started to change for the better.

When I started breastfeeding, I was prescribed the mini-pill, which contains only progestin. However, the morning after taking my first pill, I felt like a completely different person. I lost the connection with my daughter and angrily handed her to my husband, saying, "Here! Take care of your child too!" I then retreated back to bed. Hours later, when I finally got out of bed, I made the decision that I wouldn't allow any more hormones into my body.

"You have also experienced burnout."

At one point, I did, in fact, experience burnout. It was a lengthy process. I had a highly stressful and demanding job, and I now know that stress is one of the precursors for a difficult PMDD month.

Three months before I completely crashed, my gynecologist prescribed estrogen gel, believing it would help. Additionally, I decided to try a keto diet. That marked the beginning of the end. Those were the three worst months of PMDD in my life. It took me two years to recover from that.

Those three months were the most challenging in terms of PMDD. It took me two years to recover.

My general practitioner advised me to take time off at home. I needed support, but I didn't have it. Throughout my burnout, I continued seeing the same doctor in a group practice. To be honest, I'm afraid of that woman. She doesn't even know that I have PMDD because I haven't mentioned it. I don't feel comfortable or safe discussing it with her.

However, my burnout provided me with valuable insights. It was thanks to my burnout that I am now prepared to accept that I have PMDD. I wouldn't have been able to do so previously.

"What does the PMDD diagnosis mean to you?"

I received a PMDD diagnosis in August 2022. At the moment, I'm relieved that it has a name. It helps me put things into perspective.

In fact, I discovered what PMDD was through Instagram. However, sometimes I come across very severe cases there. There are people who can't even get out of bed. While I may not always have the energy to take a shower, I still manage, and many things still work out during that week. I had the thought, "I'm not that bad."

I had a few chats with someone from the International Association for Premenstrual Disorders (IAPMD). They accept self-diagnoses. Their reasoning was as follows: "Why would someone invest time and effort into learning about PMDD if they didn't have it?"

"Why would someone invest time and effort into learning about PMDD if they didn't have it?"

That made a lot of sense. From then on, I decided that I had PMDD. My sister, who is a doctor, officially diagnosed me afterwards. That evening, I cried a lot. Finally, there was a clear reason why I was so unhappy.

Since receiving a diagnosis, I have become much better at accepting myself. I always felt like I lacked ambition, goals, and couldn't make progress in life. I didn't have the energy to set goals and work towards them. On social media, you always come across statements like, "Set your goals, and you will succeed." My goal now is simply to survive each month. If I achieve that, I have already accomplished a lot in my life. It's the kind of self-compassion I can now have.

Finally, there was a clear reason why I was so unhappy.

I also take more time to reflect on how I feel each day. Managing PMDD and appreciating the weeks when things are going well is already an achievement for me. But I have only started looking at it this way in recent weeks.

Since receiving a diagnosis, my husband has also noticed a significant difference. I am much better at not burdening him as much. I now realize that the frustration comes from my PMDD, and he is not the cause.

"What is the impact of PMDD on your relationship?"

My husband and I have been together for 21 years now. At one point, I even asked him to leave because of PMDD. This was after two pregnancies and two periods of breastfeeding. We decided to seek couples therapy, although we never specifically addressed PMDD during those sessions.

However, during therapy, we did reach a point where I acknowledged that I was the source of the conflicts between us. Accepting this was quite challenging for me, as I used to believe that he was the cause of all our problems. I blamed him for everything... He did things wrong... He made my life miserable... He didn't tidy up... He was at fault... It was only about a year ago that I became aware that the true cause was my PMDD.

In my mind, it seemed like he was the cause of everything.

Couples therapy played a crucial role in helping us reconnect. It provided reassurance that we genuinely love each other and are compatible. I also came to realize that he has his own feelings, which may sound absurd, but it's true. He could tolerate a lot until it became too overwhelming. That's when he would isolate himself and cut off our communication entirely.

"Many women with PMDD struggle with suicidal thoughts. Does that sound familiar to you?"

Yes, I can strongly relate to that. Especially during my difficult months, I often experience thoughts of suicide. However, I also have good months where I think, "Oh, that wasn't so bad."

There is a railway line not far from our house. During my burnout period, I was highly aware of the passing trains. I believe I am still mentally stable enough to refrain from taking any actual action. I have never attempted suicide, but the thoughts are pervasive.

I used to be convinced that everyone would be better off if I simply disappeared. I thought it would solve all the problems. Only recently have I come to realize that such thoughts are not normal. I used to think that everyone had those thoughts occasionally or that they were just a part of life. However, now I'm starting to understand that there are people who can't comprehend what it's like. I feel a sense of envy towards them.

It's only recently that I've come to understand that such thoughts are not normal.

"What advice would you give to women who suspect they may have PMDD?"

Keep track of your menstrual cycle. I personally journal every evening to evaluate how the day went and how I'm feeling. It took me a while to find a system that works for me, but there might be an app in the future to assist with that (laughs). I believe that any doctor who sees my symptom tracker could easily make a diagnosis.

PMS Coach is your future app to help you with PMS and PMDD. Read all about our team here.

I also take some nutritional supplements. Even if they don't bring significant improvement, I have faith in the placebo effect they may have. Stay aware of your emotions and establish your boundaries. If you find it challenging, don't hesitate to seek help from a psychologist. Understanding your traumas can provide valuable insights and alleviate the severity of PMDD. Since I started asserting my boundaries, my relationship with my husband has significantly improved.